February 25, 2024

On the age of 75 it might be time to hold up the cleats

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My contribution to journalism, aside from this column: I helped Jeff Bezos purchase the Washington Publish.

Earlier than he acquired a newspaper, I shopped on the on-line grocery store Bezos launched as a bookstore. He and I’ve been at it ever since.

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I’m an Amazon Prime member. I’ve an Amazon MasterCard.

Till just lately, once I got here to the saddening realization that there are solely so many pages a geezer can learn each day, I used to be an internet Washington Publish subscriber.

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No extra Publish. However Amazon endures.

We’re not speaking Compulsive Shopping for Dysfunction. In keeping with Wikipedia, CBD is “characterised by an obsession with purchasing and shopping for behaviour that causes hostile penalties …

“It’s skilled as an irresistible-uncontrollable urge, leading to extreme, costly and time-consuming retail exercise” and leads to “gross social, private and/or monetary difficulties.”

I’m free of those habits and signs … to this point.

I turned 75 final month. What do I want?

And what does a septuagenarian need apart from octogenarianism with a number of marbles nonetheless within the bag?

That’s my self-assessment, and I’m sticking to it — although Jeff Bezos is within the technique of figuring out me higher than I do know myself. We’ve by no means met, however he is aware of I really like ice cream.

The lure was irresistible. Labelled as an “Amazon’s Selection,” The Cuisinart Ice-21C makes ice cream, sorbet and yogurt.

Rave critiques on Amazon. Rated 4.7 out of 5 by customers, and the reasonably priced value of $106.

I used to be hooked and ordered it in late June. By early July, I returned the machine to Amazon and received a refund.

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I had received so far as studying the directions. And my accomplice had requested how this wondrous machine would match on our restricted counter house.

This was not my first Amazon screw-up. The Mr. Ice Cream defeat was 4 months after the misinterpret toes.

I believed the Fitville Further-Broad Strolling Footwear can be nice for spring strolls. Sadly, they have been too tight on my previous, decrepit toes.

Again to Amazon … two months earlier than I ordered New Steadiness sneakers that match nice. And two weeks earlier than the Saucony Males’s Tour, which additionally match snugly.

At this level, having exhibited hardly any signs of Compulsive Shopping for Dysfunction, I’ve to admit to a different affliction: Imelda Marcos Syndrome.

I’m not pretending to be a Filipino politician. However Ms Marcos and I share a footwear obsession.

Her lavish wardrobe is claimed to incorporate 15 mink coats, 508 robes, 888 purses and — await it — 3,000 pairs of sneakers.

I’ve a grand whole of zero minks, robes and purses.

However for a Canadian pensioner who was by no means married to a strong politician, I’ve too many sneakers. They usually’re unwearable in winters which are colder than Manila.

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Will I be spending Christmas in Dallas?

No … however I’ve a pair of Tony Lama cowboy boots.

Does James Bond require my help?

No … however I’ve a pair of the Danner Mountain Lights that look nice on Daniel Craig.

What number of Raves will I be attending?

None … however I’m equipped with an array of hipster Dr. Martens, if I can keep awake previous 10 o’clock.

Had sufficient of my Marcos Insanity? Let’s transfer up from foot stage to take a look at what else Amazon is promoting me.

Returning an ice cream maker evidently doesn’t convey the message that I’m neither a Ben nor a Jerry: Amazon is selling the Ice-70, a brushed chrome magnificence that’s discounted from $335 to $231.10.

“Primarily based in your latest purchasing developments,” Amazon is pitching me climbing boots, winter boots, toasters, blenders, leather-based baggage, underwear, socks, denims, headphones, ear plugs …

As they are saying on rock radio, the hits simply carry on coming. And Mr. Imelda battles temptation every day.

I’m nearly prepared, nevertheless, to hold up the cleats (and the sneakers.)

To paraphrase the nice Bob Dylan, I’ve received every part I want, I’m a senior, I don’t look again … on the Amazon web site.

— Mike Boone writes the Life within the 70s column. [email protected]

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